You know how your dog is always braver when he’s in your lap? He is suddenly fierce, scowls and barks at dogs who moments before were other interesting canines, but have now morphed into intruders? He acts as if he will vault from your lap and defend the bench, the deck, your yard, …but then he doesn’t? That’s lap courage.
Here’s a poem that so reminds me of Paulette, the beautician in Legally Blonde. She is so struck with the beauty of the UPS man, that she can’t utter an intelligible sentence. Here’s what she could have said:
Why I Have a Crush on You, UPS Man
you bring me all the things I order
are never in a bad mood
always have a jaunty wave as you drive away
look good in your brown shorts
we have an ideal uncomplicated relationship
you’re like a cute boyfriend with great legs
who always brings the perfect present
(why, it’s just what I’ve always wanted!)
and then is considerate enough to go away
oh, UPS Man, let’s hop in your clean brown truck and elope!
ditch your job, I’ll ditch mine
Let’s hit the road for Brownsville
and tempt each other
with all the luscious brown foods —
roast beef, dark chocolate,
brownies, Guiness, homemade pumpernickel, molasses cookies
I’ll make you my mama’s bourbon pecan pie
we’ll give all the packages to kind looking strangers
live in a cozy wood cabin
with a brown dog or two
and black and brown tabby
I’m serious, UPS Man. Let’s do it.
Where do I sign?
— Alice N Persons
Instead, Paulette sings about “Ireland.” Well, I think all this could happen in Ireland too.